Thinking about ending my life

I’m thinking about ending my life. I can’t handle the financial situations of my family. My mom purchased a house and lot and condominium under my name. But she wasn’t enable to pay it on time every month. I got a letter from the company that if I will unable to pay this sum of amount, then they will cancel the contract. It’s so frustrating that I cannot do anything about it. It wasn’t idea on the first place. My name is ruined and I’m still 23 for godsake! The financial loan in Homecredit also is bothering me endlessly because my mom wants me to loan under my name because we have some financial problems. She promised me that she will pay it. The homecredit loan have almost 50% interest! Wow! I’m still in gradschool and I am jobless. I got laid off last month that’s why I can’t pay some of her debts.

I really don’t have any permanent job since I graduated college because she wants me to work in the government. She wants me to pass the Civil Service Examination. I quit my first job to review and take that exam and I failed. I got bored at home and I went for some interview and I got accepted on my 2nd job. I took the exam again and I failed. I quit after 9 months because my mother said that my low paying job will not help me in the future. So I quit and took the exam again for fourth attempt and I failed. I studied for another type of Civil Service exam for 4 months. I was so fraustrated and I try to find a job again. Then I got accepted on my 3rd job. I took the different kind of Civil Sevice and I passed on my 1st attempt! I was so happy! Then I tried to apply in the Government but I failed on the neuropsychiaric exam. I will wait for 6 months to take the exam again. Then I got laid off on work. It means I’m jobless now because of the econominc circumtances of my country.

I can’t explain what I am feeling today. Maybe I’m depressed or something? At this age I can’t handle the millions of debt that I have because my mother promised me to pay the house and lot and condominium.! I’m angry because she belittle my job in the corporate world and now I’m suffering because I don’t have any income. I tried to find a job again for the 4th time but it’s really tough now because of my short employment history. I hate her for making my self esteem lower! I also hate my life! I did everything to passed that exam but still I feel worthless. I hate her for being to ambitious and greedy. It makes all of us (siblings) suffer! I just want a simple life. Even if we are poor and no financial obligations to anyone. I just want to live in a peaceful life 😢.

I don’t want to pretend that I am rich. I just really want to have an average and simple life.

Now I am thinking of ending my life to end my suffering 😢

I can’t do this anymore.

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Civil Service Examination- Failed for the 2nd time

I failed again! Not once, but twice! I didn’t cry anymore because I already expected it. I guessed so many answers in the last part because there’s no more time left! Geez, I even enrolled myself in a review center. It was great but I blamed myself for not practicing the time pressure in the exam. I always think slow in everything. I hate myself now. I’m jobless, penniless, fat, and bored! I feel useless to everyone. Especially to my parents. I always disappoint them. 

I’m sick of being a failure. 

I’m still looking for a job but they don’t even bother to contact me for an interview. I remembered I was really smart back in highschool, but what happened to me now? A useless citizen to my country. I lost my friends for not being interested with them by not giving them enough time because I live so far away. It’s not my fault moving far away. It was my parents decision. I was really sad to move out in Manila. Most of my friends live there and I spent my whole childhood there. I wish I could go back in the past to cherish those moments and study really hard. Now I’m struggling to pass the civil service examination because I didn’t pay attention to my parents advices. I wish I took it earlier when I was 18. I thought it was easy to pass, but not really. Now I feel depressed but I don’t look like I’m depressed because I don’t show it to others. 

I’m going to file again on May 2017 for my take 3. I hope this time I can pass the exam. That would be the luckiest day of my life. Please Help me God!