I don’t have friends because…

I don’t have friends because they think that I might be weird.
I don’t have friends because I easily get drained when socializing.
I don’t have friends because I don’t have budget for hangout.
I don’t have friends because I couldn’t afford going to any invited events.
I don’t have friends because I’m scared to invite them when I’m free.
I don’t have friends because I don’t show up when they invited me.
I don’t have friends because I’m always busy to reach my goals.
I don’t have friends because they might pull me down.
I don’t have friends because I don’t like to compare my life to them.
I don’t have friends because they can’t be invited when they have romantic relationships.
I don’t have friends because it’s hard to make friends.
I don’t have friends because I’m waiting for them to approach me.
I don’t have friends because I get jealous.
I don’t have friends because I’m selfish.
I don’t have friends because they/I stopped talking to them.
I don’t have friends because they are annoying sometimes.
I don’t have friends because they live far away from me. I don’t have friends because I’m quiet.
I don’t have friends because I’m not sociable enough to continue the conversation.
I don’t have friends because I’m scared of being judged.
I don’t have friends because I’m scared of gossiping behind my back.
I don’t have friends because I don’t want to please others.
I don’t have friends because they think I’m a drama queen.
I don’t have friends because I couldn’t able to tell my true feelings.
I don’t have friends because I hate hearing unsolicited advice.
I don’t have friends because I’m bad.
I don’t have friends because everything is complicated.
and many more..

In short, I hate making friends! but in my heart I wish I could be able to maintain friendship when I was young. But that’s what I experienced that’s why I don’t have friends!

Master’s thesis passed or failed? Please help me

I just finished defending my Master’s thesis but the committee has not yet decided if I pass or fail. I messed up in Q and A. I got major revision on my papers. However, they said that if I pass my papers on the agreed time, then they will decide if I pass or fail. What does that mean?

Disappointing Dreams

I finally dream about my celebrity crush!

So here is the story. I went to the bar and I hugged him and he lifted me. We went to his room and I make his bed so we can get ready to “do” it. I went to the bathroom and eat “his” and kissed him. Then I haven’t undressed yet but someone is peeking on us. Then suddenly we are just humping each other but my underwear are still there. Then suddenly I noticed that my celebrity crush became an old man and I realized that I am humping on my own pillow. Then I surprised the people peeking on us that it was a Prank! But in my mind I was so upset! I waited for the very long time to dream about him and then suddenly it was just a prank making love to him?! I was really upset and went to the other room. When I finally came out of the room there were no people left in the living room… I was getting ready again to “do” it with him again but suddenly I wake up!

I am so disappointed! I really waited for that time that I will finally dream about him but we didn’t have a good ending! I hope someday I will finally made love to him! Only in my dreams… I woudn’t have an opportunity in real life .

LOL

End

STOP THE COMPARISON.

“This is the problem of some (or most) people in our society. They think life is a race. People are socially conditioned by unrealistic requirements and standards. Hello, its already 2019.

Its okay for people to graduate college at 28 years old. Marry at 23 years old. Be 50 years old, still no own house but well traveled. Accomplished in life but no kids. Started menstruating at 15 instead of 11. Not having a smartphone even if you are in college already. Not having the 12 round fruits during New Year’s eve. Didnt have a grand debut party at 18. Have a family but have no car. Have never been kissed at 21 years old.

Some arrive at work late, some come early. We all have our own road bumps and hindrances during our journey.

PLEASE. Life is not a race. Life is not a competition. STOP THE COMPARISON. Dont let make other people feel they cant keep up with the invisible race our unrealistic fellows created. Lets not make people question their life just because we are a bit of ahead of them.

Its not only about the destination, its also about the journey. We complain about how rotten the society is but can we ask ourselves first? Am I a part of the problem or part of the solution? It’s up to you.

Ps. When you share this post, you will only be sharing the original post so make sure copy and paste the caption as well. Let us spread the love!”

Thinking about ending my life

I’m thinking about ending my life. I can’t handle the financial situations of my family. My mom purchased a house and lot and condominium under my name. But she wasn’t enable to pay it on time every month. I got a letter from the company that if I will unable to pay this sum of amount, then they will cancel the contract. It’s so frustrating that I cannot do anything about it. It wasn’t idea on the first place. My name is ruined and I’m still 23 for godsake! The financial loan in Homecredit also is bothering me endlessly because my mom wants me to loan under my name because we have some financial problems. She promised me that she will pay it. The homecredit loan have almost 50% interest! Wow! I’m still in gradschool and I am jobless. I got laid off last month that’s why I can’t pay some of her debts.

I really don’t have any permanent job since I graduated college because she wants me to work in the government. She wants me to pass the Civil Service Examination. I quit my first job to review and take that exam and I failed. I got bored at home and I went for some interview and I got accepted on my 2nd job. I took the exam again and I failed. I quit after 9 months because my mother said that my low paying job will not help me in the future. So I quit and took the exam again for fourth attempt and I failed. I studied for another type of Civil Service exam for 4 months. I was so fraustrated and I try to find a job again. Then I got accepted on my 3rd job. I took the different kind of Civil Sevice and I passed on my 1st attempt! I was so happy! Then I tried to apply in the Government but I failed on the neuropsychiaric exam. I will wait for 6 months to take the exam again. Then I got laid off on work. It means I’m jobless now because of the econominc circumtances of my country.

I can’t explain what I am feeling today. Maybe I’m depressed or something? At this age I can’t handle the millions of debt that I have because my mother promised me to pay the house and lot and condominium.! I’m angry because she belittle my job in the corporate world and now I’m suffering because I don’t have any income. I tried to find a job again for the 4th time but it’s really tough now because of my short employment history. I hate her for making my self esteem lower! I also hate my life! I did everything to passed that exam but still I feel worthless. I hate her for being to ambitious and greedy. It makes all of us (siblings) suffer! I just want a simple life. Even if we are poor and no financial obligations to anyone. I just want to live in a peaceful life šŸ˜¢.

I don’t want to pretend that I am rich. I just really want to have an average and simple life.

Now I am thinking of ending my life to end my suffering šŸ˜¢

I can’t do this anymore.

What I really hate about Relationships by Ameri Sooji

Here are some reasons what I hate about relationships:

1. Losing your own identity

I’ve been in some relationships so far and I get into the point that I’m starting to lose my own identity. Why? Because of being needy or clingy. I hate that feeling so much that I just wanted to kill myself to stop it. The result? Arguments!

2. Late reply’s (text messaging or chat)

I get it. I know it’s kinda bit immature but I just wanted to know what his doing at the moment. Sometimes I understand he’s busy but for the whole day no response?! I can’t let that happen. I’ll call and call until he picks up the phone.

3. Threaten for Break Up

If you have some few arguments with your partner, there are things that you fight about. What I hate about that is when he threatened me for break up. Like wtf? It’s just a small argument then he’s saying like that? I find it sooo immature. Like does he know that if you enter in a relationship you should be more understanding?

4. Comparing previous relationship to present

Hey duh? Why compare? Not all history can repeat itself. They are different person and different personality. Don’t compare your ex’s to your present girlfriend. You don’t know how it feels like. It really hurts. Most especially your friends can’t keep their mouth shut by comparing your ex’s to your present.

5. Making more plans to friends than your girlfriend.

Girl’s get jealous too! Even if they’re your best of friends! It feels like you enjoy the companies of your friends than your girlfriend. It’s really sad to feel thay way.

That’s all I can say for now. Thank you for reading.

Self Advice

Don’t complain
Don’t argue to pointless things
If emotional, keep it to yourself then cry, you’ll get better after
Don’t expect
Be strong
Keep silent
Meditate
Don’t force him to do things, it’s pointless
Let him be

Get drunk

Career Shift – Life Calling

It’s been few months since I posted my last blog. I was busy working for the whole 8-9 months. The job was okay. But I wasn’t happy for the people I have encountered. I hate them so much that I want to burn them on hell. They are very complicated and I just want to have revenge on them. But I can’t. I’m just a lowly employee with low paying entry level job. I’ve been graduated 2 years ago but life seems to be tough. Why can’t I be happy? Simple, because people are blocking my happiness. They made me realize that my profession wasn’t for me after all. I decided to quit one day to focus on my childhood dream. People don’t seem understand why I quit. I wasn’t happy. I want something more. I want something that I really deserve. At the end of the day, I’m tired, lonely and unsatisfied. Tomorrow will be another day for hell. Moody boss, complaining clients, complicated co-workers. It’s hard to control them. So I just cry on the one side and cannot do nothing at all. I went for an interview for another job but soon as I signed the contract, I realized the profession wasn’t for me after all. Then I back out and I decided to study for another new beginning of career. I hope that one day I’ll be successful in choosing another field.

 

 

-Ameri Sooji

Civil Service Examination- Failed for the 2nd time

I failed again! Not once, but twice! I didn’t cry anymore because I already expected it. I guessed so many answers in the last part because there’s no more time left! Geez, I even enrolled myself in a review center. It was great but I blamed myself for not practicing the time pressure in the exam. I always think slow in everything. I hate myself now. I’m jobless, penniless, fat, and bored! I feel useless to everyone. Especially to my parents. I always disappoint them. 

I’m sick of being a failure. 

I’m still looking for a job but they don’t even bother to contact me for an interview. I remembered I was really smart back in highschool, but what happened to me now? A useless citizen to my country. I lost my friends for not being interested with them by not giving them enough time because I live so far away. It’s not my fault moving far away. It was my parents decision. I was really sad to move out in Manila. Most of my friends live there and I spent my whole childhood there. I wish I could go back in the past to cherish those moments and study really hard. Now I’m struggling to pass the civil service examination because I didn’t pay attention to my parents advices. I wish I took it earlier when I was 18. I thought it was easy to pass, but not really. Now I feel depressed but I don’t look like I’m depressed because I don’t show it to others. 

I’m going to file again on May 2017 for my take 3. I hope this time I can pass the exam. That would be the luckiest day of my life. Please Help me God! 

K-DRAMA: Escaping to Reality

April 16. 2015

The Philippine national television introduced me to Korean Drama or K-Drama. I remembered way back 2003 when I was 8 years old in my 3rd grade the first ever korean drama in ABS-CBN that I had ever watched was Lovers in Paris. The story was totally amazing and I really had no idea who were the actors and actresses. I thought they were chinese because the only country that I’d know that time was USA and China but later on I found out that they were Koreans. That was the first time I became familiar in that country. It is a country that divided into half, North and South. Most korean dramas areĀ from South Korea. My mon and sister got addicted on watching korean drama in TV so my mom started to buy pirated dvds in divisoria (I know its illegal but that time the government didn’t inspect pirated dvds seriously). One dvd per episode in one dvd case. It was really expensive but few years later one dvd can fit 16 or 20 episodes. My mom wants to know the story first before it was aired in the TV. We spent whole day watching korean dramas because the story are exciting (that’s when my eyes started to become blurry ). I was in elementary school at that time and I didn’t know in the future that I’ll be using k-dramas in stress relievers and escaping into reality.

Life is seem so hard that you feel like you don’t want to live anymore. During high school, my classmates were teasing me because I am addicted on watching k-drama. They said it was corny and boring. How can they said those things if they didn’t even try watching the whole complete episodes before they judged it. Yes some are corny and boring but at the end of the drama you will learn some lessons. You can also learn their basic korean language like annyeonghasaeyo, saranghaeyo, oppa, ahjumma, etc. At school, it is stressful to go home with homework and projects especially in studying quizzes and exams. After my study I feel like my brain is draining so the next thing that I will be going to do is to watch k-drama and forget those useless things that I’m doing in school because it’s really stressful. In the world of K-drama, I feel like I am the protagonist that having a journey in my life and feeling like a God because I know exactly what’s happeningĀ overall. After the drama ends, There is only a one question on my mind, “What am I going to do with my life now?” It’s hard to move on especially when the drama is really beautiful. Back to reality, It sucks right?

Their’s no knight and shining armour that will make your life colorful and many villain surrounds you like fake friends when they only needed you if they need something. You like someone but doesn’t even like you back. Somebody likes you but you don’t like him/her because he/she doesn’t passed your k-drama leading man/lady standards. I want to go back to my unrealistic world… T_T . A man that is famous, smart, handsome, tall, white, killer smile, cool, knows how to handle girls well, smells good, gentleman, rich, good man, blah blah blah….. Most of the traits that I listed never really exist in the reality! LOL. Besides, it’s impossible for a rich and handsome men would fall in love with me if i’m not pretty or rich just like them. Class A to Class A, Class A to Class B, but not Class A to Class F. We can only see those things in the world of K-Drama. I feel fraustrated after I found out that it was impossible for a “Perfect Man” to fall in love with me. Handsome and cute guys keep ignoring me while creepy guy likes me. It’s the true for most of us and we can’t deny it.

So i’m still trying to live in my unrealistic world because it makes me happy and perfect without anybody judging my oblong face, small height and big boned body. Just staying at home and relaxing while watching korean drama and fantasizing my dream man.

-END-